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Apparently I am concerning people again. I sent my girlfriend a poem I wrote but instead of seeing the beauty in it, she immediately freaked out. “Are you ok?” she frantically asked me. I explained to her that yes I was fine. My soul is just darker than most. I wonder if other horror authors have to tell people they are fine? I don’t know, maybe I am not fine. Maybe I have just been living another lie. Anymore it’s hard to tell.Right now i seem to be stuck in a place like purgatory. I’m neither happy or depressed. I am not angry or sad. i am just not anything.I am merely just existing.



I’m sick again, food is just nasty. The only thing I can stand is cinnamon. All day long anything that burns the back of my throat is actually making me feel pretty soothed. I’ve lost some more weight but I had to start eating again. I really don’t need anymore trips to the hospital. It’s bad enough I have to go for the surgeries. I’m trying.



Sleep eludes me, yet I don’t seem to mind. All dreams seem to vanish when I wake up nothing is really jarring me awake. I feel drained to tell the truth. I just I don’t know maybe I am falling apart at the seams.



Work, is just that, work. It’s irritating, and menial. In the end none of my efforts will matter. I don’t even know why I still care enough to get my job done correctly. I think a couple of co-workers have a crush on me. I catch them staring at me, and to be honest I get a weird vibe from them. I don’t think any of them will try anything with me, but it still makes me nervous catching their stares.



At least I hope a crush is the case and they aren’t plotting to hurt me in some way. lol. Nowadays, I can’t trust anyone.



Life in the homefront is, um, just being as is I suppose. Nothing has changed, nothing will. I gave up on my anger towards hin, I still don’t like him but for now as long as I can withstand his ignorance, he will be safe.



I miss the long conversations with Ex, and Mrs. B. I still can’t bring myself to delete her final good bye to me. I know I had to do the right thing, it still doesn’t make it any easier. I sometimes wonder how her daughter is doing. I won’t go find her or anything. There is no point in that, Mrs. B’s daughter didn’t see her since the day she was born. I guess my emotions are still a complicated mess about the situation. I miss my conversations with Ex. but I don’t think that will change. He had a brillant mind that I loved to gnash on. lol That sentence made me feel like I was a zombie. I’m just lonely.



It’s amazing how someone can be married and feel lonely. There is just no one to talk to when I am awake through the night. There is nothing to occupy my mind. I know what you are thinking, that I need a hobby. But I really don’t have much free time to really dwell into a hobby right now.



Anyway, I need to go lie down, my head is killing me. I’’ write more when I can think of something happy to say. I have a trip coming up I am excited about, so hopefully everything will go off without a hitch. Fingers crossed.

Things are at the point of upheaval and pain

Spoke too soon. Some people are just born twats.

I am so not looking forward to the surgies coming up. The first one has me a little scared. Doctors makes mistakes all the time.With my luck just the wrong place being poked and bam! fucked up for the rest of my life. The second should be minor. Some how I have to figure out how to get them done and not miss any work. Which is going to be tricky.



I am doing my best to be nice to SOB#2. It has made the living arrangement a little better. I am bored with him to be honest. It's such a shame he decided to change too late. Oh well I guess that's life isn't?



Work is really draining me. I am doing my best to keep it but there are so many days I just want to say fuck it and leave. I have worked hard for the position I am in, but it's almost like that hard work means nothing.



I had my girlfriend message Mr. N. His response cold, I can't say that I blame him. In a moment of lonely weakness I was hoping. It's probably for the best. I don't just lust after him in more ways than one, but this last fight I made sure he would hate me forever.



Now I know what you are thinking, why do I keep burning my bridges with people? Because I'm afraid of hurting someone I care about. There is an awful loneliness that is breaking my heart apart. It's tempting me to do horrible things.



My writing is going well, I have lost all my inspiration to continue the Eli books. Maybe I was only meant to write the two that I have. I haven't been able to even look into publishing it. I don't have the time or resources right now. I'm still working on getting out from under the debt that's burying me.



I closed my facebook page to only friends and family. It was supposed to make me feel betteer. closer. Instead I just been messaging people like crazy because I desperately need conversation.



Well journal, I have to go continue my day. As much as I just want to crawl back into bed, I know I can't. I am doing my best to stay indoors for as long as possible. The sun has been unforgiving to me this summer.

Red hot desire

Sinful lust

Alive and on fire

Turning to rust





Sigh tonight is a rough night. My carnal desires of sex and blood are running wild. I'm hungry for more than what I have. I'm alone and more than lonely but just don't have the desire to cyber. I'm not much of a cheater outside of my own head. But if given the chance for someone who shall remain nameless to show up I wouldn't be able to contain myself. Feeling this way is making me feel deviant.I shouldn't feel this way, I'm a little bit too old. I think I'm just going to call it a night. Let my nightmares entertain me.

I can't wait til the next storm. I want to feel alive I'm the wind. Amongst it's fury I'll be at peace. I've had too much sun so I tryi g to take it easy. I have two surgeries coming up. I'm scared and feel alone

I'm so over it......

Such a strange nightmare? Who are you?

I have a hunger, a lust if you will. I don't know what's bringing it on. Maybe boredom. I don't know. I started writing more horror errotica type stuff. I never used to but here lately I am not satified in any area of my life. I just wish for a sign that everything will change. That everything will get better. I am trying to not guve up hope but that's hard to do when my temper keeps rising. It's not even just at home anymore, its' everywhere.

I'm trying to open up to people again. It still makes me feel like it's a fake mask. But I'm trying. I've decided to get a couple more tattoos. So I've been working on the designs for a while. I've been busy with work and writing. Busy busy busy.

I'm trying to open up to people again. It still makes me feel like it's a fake mask. But I'm trying. I've decided to get a couple more tattoos. So I've been working on the designs for a while. I've been busy with work and writing. Busy busy busy.

I don't know what is wrong with me. You and I haven't spoken in many years now. Why can't I let go of you? Why do I miss you, desire you, lust you? Why is it you closed the door on me and forgot me, but I can't do the same to you? Why must I love you only to be tormented in silence?



It's been a rough week to say the least. All my dreams are plagued with Mr. X. I woke up this morning yearning for something I won't ever have. It's made me a little depressed today. Tomorrow I am supposed to go have some fun swimming. I can only hope my mind allows me to. Damn you Mr x

Sigh

I'm exhausted. I hate being awake in the early morning hours. It's been almost 3 weeks since I've gotten more than six hours of sleep a week. I need a day of pampering and relaxing. I know it won't happen bit it's nice to wish every once in a while.



Things are strained at home. While he is lost in his own world fighting for his identity, he is losing me. Most of the time I sit in silence tunning him out from all the nonsense he spews. Like the first sob he won't realize he's lost me until it's too late.



Work is continuing to screw me over. The lazy gets promoted. It's frustrating to say the least. I really hate my job.